Bangkok - time

Up early as promised, flight to Bangkok, leave my bags at the airport and head into town. I'm starving as it's lunchtime but I had no breakfast, and after a few false starts (one restaurant tells me the chef is out at the supermarket. At quarter to one in the afternoon. I guess catering to the lunch crowd isn't their thing) I have a very tasty Thai curry.

I walk around some of the local sights, but I'm not really in the mood. I consider the museum but it closes in an hour so instead I just wander round the royal field. I have hours and hours to kill, but luckily I have just the right amount of cash to buy a book, two pints of strong lager and some noodle soup, which passes the time nicely.

Once at the airport to catch my Heathrow flight it seems like I might not get on the plane - there are very few seats remaining. My luck holds for today though and just after midnight I'm taking off and returning home.

In Club.

Hanoi - an amuseuming day

Up nice and early to go and visit Ho Chi Minh's Mausoleum. I'm quoted "5" by the moto driver, which I take to mean 5,000 dong, which is actually completely reasonable. I am therefore suspicious as I have never met a reasonable moto driver. I'm fairly sure he will ask me for 50,000 dong once we stop.

This is exactly what he does. Screw him, I've had enough of being ripped off. I give him 10,000 only because I don't have 5,000 (and in any case I consider 10 a fair price). I only wish I had a 500 note to take the piss with. He's not happy but I employ the "contemptuous dismissive arm" gesture and don't look back. As long as he doesn't get some moto friends together and mug me tonight, everything is fine.

I see a corpse for the first time today (or the first I remember anyway) - Ho Chi Minh is embalmed and lying in a glass sided coffin. He looks pale. I spend the next few hours exploring the mausoleum complex which has a few preserved buildings and museums.

I walk to the Army museum and see some more materiel from both the Vietnamese and the Americans. I moto to the History museum but it's closed for lunch, so I head back to the hostel to kill an hour or two, hunt for some books, eat lunch and walk back. This makes three museums in a day which is making me feel overloaded - I head out to the cinema as an antidote. I watch Terminator Salvation - fun, and ruined by an overly cheesy ending.

For my last night I meet the Irish girls again, but just don't have it in me to have a massive party time. I need to be up before six tomorrow to get my flight, so after a pint or two I leave and settle down for my last night in Asia.

Hanoi - Unconvincing

Get on the bus to Hanoi, which takes us to the west of the island where we get on a small, slow, very cramped and extremely hot and humid boat to Haiphong. Once there we get another bus to Hanoi.

I'm offered about a million moto rides, which I decline until I have time to work out where I am, where I want to be, and how much I'm willing to pay to turn one into the other. I'm offered one more moto ride at an extortionate price, and decide to try a new way of haggling, something I'm going to call the "laugh in his face" method. It works, he more than halves his price, and I'm on my way to the old quarter.

Sadly Hanoi seems as much of a dump here as it did the other day when I passed through - the tourist zone is full of rip-off merchants and it's not exactly the most beautiful part of Vietnam. Still, it would be pretty dumb of me not to at least try and see the place, so I go for a walk round the lake, meeting a couple of Brit backpackers in the process.

In the evening I visit the Water Puppetry theatre which is bizarre, but very entertaining. The puppets are manipulated behind a screen, and they move around in 2 or 3 feet of water. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. After this I find a hostel with a decent bar, and get talking to two Irish girls who are just starting their trip. I arrange to meet them again tomorrow and head back to the hostel, preparing myself for my last proper day travelling.

Cat Ba - Ups and downs. And downs.

I explore the island today.

I get up much later than I've been doing for the last couple of weeks - about 9am. I rent a motorbike for the day, leaving my drivers license as security. There's a little confrontation when it comes to how much petrol I get (what I was told and what I was given appear to show mild discrepancy) but it adds up to about a pound so for the easy life I let it slide.

I haven't been on the bike for too long when I realise it is a clapped-out Chinese piece of shit. Still, I'm committed now, for better or worse. [SPOILER: It turns out worse]. The gears are hard to change, the speedo and fuel guage don't work, and the mirrors won't adjust. I manage to put a crack in one trying to move it into a position where I can actually see the road behind me. I decide to worry about that later.

I find the harbour and rent a kayak for a few hours. I paddle around the Halong Bay, stopping off at first a populated beach, and later a completely deserted one. I need to take frequent breaks -I haven't kayaked for years, and I'm moving reasonably respectable distances. Once on the empty beach I do what I think any sane person would do in such a situation - strip down to my boxers (well, my clothes are drenched in sea and sweat), write I WAS HERE in huge letters in the sand, then stand a rock and scream as loud as I can, just to see how loud that is (I was satisfied, especially as the curved rock formation behind me added an echo).

Paddling back to harbour and picking my bike up, I start motoring North. I stop at a cave which used to house a hospital during the war. There are three storeys inside, meeting rooms, wards and even a cinema room and a swimming pool. Continuing North I stop for lunch. The Pho (noodle soup) is fantastic, and as I'm in a fairly remote spot, I'm hopeful it won't cost the earth. Not a chance - they see Touristy McTourist come a mile off and double the price. I have no choice as I've already eaten. Bastards.

At the most northern point some onlookers are quick to point out my bike's flat front tyre. I have no idea how long that had been there. They ask for a few dollars to fix it - not seeing an alternative I stump up. To their credit the onlookers do, I think, about the best job they can. They nip off to the village and are back with a repair kit nice and quckly. However, the flat tyre is caused by a hole between the valve and the body of the inner tube, which is too complicated for a quick fix. Compounding matters is the fact I have no money left.

A bit of back-and-forth results in me paying for a lift back to the town where the ATM is, before hopping into the rent shop to moan at the bike's owner. I am envisioning all kinds of problems here - him blaming me, refusing to return my license and so on. I feel I have two cards up my sleeve. The first is the guy who gave me a lift back, who can explain in Vietnamese what the problem is. I kept him sweet by paying over the odds for the journey. The second is that I have the bike keys on me as a hostage, if necessary.

Luckily it doesn't come to that. I get back my license and even a token refund. It's a shame - up until the tyre business, and despite the general shoddyness of the bike itself, it was still very fun to take the mountainous roads over the island. Still, I've had enough of this place now, so buy my onward ticket and head out for my last island night. I talk to a Vietnamese woman who is here with her two kids. Her young boy misbehaves constantly. My immunities to the so-called "charms" of children receive their booster shot.

Cat Ba - Ripped off

Next thing I know I'm in Hanoi. Sleeping pills that work are amazing - the flight back will hopefully be a doddle.



I'm approaced by the bus company and asked where I'm headed, and they quote me a silly price to get me there. Despite my freshly-woken state I have the wit to haggle the silly price down a bit. Because of my freshly-woken state (well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it) I don't actually haggle it down to a sensible price.



For breakfast I am ripped off.



After getting to Halong City I hop on a boat which goes through Halong Bay. The boat seems a slight rip off, and I don't get lunch which I thought I was getting. Luckily it seems like my easy-going manner appeals to the crew and they invite me to join them for their lunch. I teach a Vietnamese boy who speaks no English how to play snap.



Once on Cat Ba Island I need to cross to the south to hit the habitated town. My motorbike driver probably doesn't rip me off too badly, but I'm seeing patterns where there aren't any by now.



My hotel tries to rip me off, I feel. The receptionist gets angry at me for trying to negotiate a discount. It's a good thing for her my bag is already in the room or I would have found somewhere else. I tell her off for getting pissy and get a slight discount.



I find a small bar and have a pint of local brew for 33p, hoping the curse is broken.

Highway 1 - Bitten by the Bug

Today I took a motorbike tour of the countryside near Hue. My driver, Thinh, was my cyclo driver from yesterday (not another shocking coincidence, I liked him so I booked it after I was done being cycled). I see tombs and ruins and pagodas, and Thinh takes me to his old Pagoda where he was a monk for 11 years and I see how a working monastary runs here.

I also ask to drive the bike, and apart from one or two hairy moments (stalling approaching a crossroads) I feel pretty good about it. Thinh calls me a safe driver, which I'm pleased by. I'm getting smoother gear changes and feel in control pretty much all the time.

I mean to kill some time in Hue before my bus to Hanoi but it is so unbearably hot and humid that I'm forced to sit inside and drink cheap fruit smoothies. When my bus does arrive it's a sleeper bus - the seats all fold back significantly. I am too big for the seats though, and they are playing music very, very loudly. Thank god for both the earplugs I invested in a while ago, and the 10mg of Diazepam (Valium) I optained, legally, a few hours ago. I take two and am just feeling heavy and thinking about placebo effects when

Hue - tonnes of temples

I get to Hue just after lunch and immediately start wandering around the Citadel. I take a cyclo ride for the first time (imagine a three wheeled bicycle, where you sit in a comfy seat at the front and get pedalled around by your driver) and then amble throught the huge Citadel complex itself, which used to be the Royal residence. Inside are dozens of temples, pagodas and assorted funky buildings.

At the hotel I get talking to Gabby, who is running her own NGO here to help disabled Vietnamese people. We go out for dinner and I bump into Sin, who was the guy with Andreas when I bumped into them in Nha Trang.

Someone is almost certainly stalking someone.

Hoi An - Big Spender

In the morning I take a tour to My Son, a Cham temple complex. After Angkor Wat it sadly isn't as breathtaking as it might have been, but I'm still happy to wander around and look at a lot of extremely suggestive or just downright explicit stonework (the three gods of Buddhism represented by a, well, head, shaft and balls, to be frank).

In the afternoon some of my suits are ready (and it's already making me grin being able to say "some of my suits" - once the last one is made and shipped I will own six. Six! One is a DJ and one is... special, but even so). Postage is far too expensive, so I pack them in my bag. Thank God I tend to travel light enough that gently packing three suits into by backpack is challenging but not impossible.

In the evening I go out for dinner and drinks with Emma, Drew and Greg and Sean, two Manchester blokes I met on the My Son tour. In the morning I leave Hoi An trusting my tailor to post on the remaining suits to my home in my absence. If she doesn't I will... well, I'll... I'll complain about it here. Loudly.

I will be nervous about this for the next month.

Hoi An - very suitable

Our last ride this morning, we see another stunning waterfall and visit another village belonging to one of the 54 ethnic minority native Vietnamese groups. We visit a house which had been lived in by the same family for four generations. They survived entirely by hunting and a little bit of agriculture.

Once in Hoi An I said a fond fairwell to Lam, and immediately preceeded to hunt down some new suits. This was a bit of a faff, but I'm not the most patient shopper anyway so that was only to be expected. In the end I found a tiny shop run by an incredibly fun Vietnamese woman who seemed almost as excited as I was about the suits (although being passionate about clothes is probably a good thing in a tailor).

I made my order, and then bumped into Emma and Drew from the Easy Rider tour, and went out with them and their drivers for dinner. I arrange to see them again tomorrow night.

Kham Duc - Up the Ho Chi Minh Trail

After a breakfast of very spicy noodle soup (those crazy Vietnamese...) it's on the road again.



We stop at Hill 601 which was strategically important in the American involvement, as it overlooked most of the province. We also stop at a war memorial, and at the airfield near Charlie Hill where the Americans first landed. It's now deserted, but apparently there's generally someone poking around looking for dog tags.

After a few more klicks, were join the legendary Ho Chi Minh Trail. Well, the trail itself is several trails, and they are mostly dirt paths. But we join the recently created road which follows the same route as the trail, and that's good enough for me.


We see the Scorpion waterfall, so called because it looks like a scorpion, which is probably the second best reason it could be called that. We also visit a village where they still support themselves traditionally - hunting, a little bit of farming, etc. This is the kind of place where children get no education because there are no schools nearby. I make friends by bribing kids with sweets.


My last night with Lam has us enjoying a banquet of the finest Vietnamese food. It costs two pounds each and we can't finish it. Win.

Kom Tun - Eating my way through the animal kingdom

Today I saw some more of agricultural Vietnam, including cashew nut, black pepper and green tea plantations and a masive rubber tree forest. I also saw the effects of Agent Orange, where huge amounts of mountainside are completely devoid of trees.



We visited the Bana tribe, who also live in longhouses on stilts, and I talk to the local music player - he plays what seems to be a drumkit-xylophone combination. I have a go and it is good fun. Lam also shows me the orphanage - traditionally here, if a woman died in childbirth her baby was buried with her. A Catholic mission has set up an orphanage which serves the locality.



This evening I eat three animals I have never eaten before. First is porcupine, which is very difficult to eat even after you take the spines out. The meat is tough and full of tiny bones. I'm glad I tried it but I can see why we don't import them by the boatload. Second is deer, which had to happen sooner or later. Third is pigeon soup. I try it, but I have always thought of pigeons as rats on wings, so can't really work up any enthusiasm.



I'm looking forward tomorrow, the itinerary looks promising.

Buon Ma Thuot - jungle boogie

Today started early - it gets warm when the sun comes up at about 5am, and animals wake at dawn and start making animal noises.



After breakfast Lam asked if I'd like to try his bike out. If course I am keen. Sadly 125cc was a little too much for me. It wasn't really that I crashed it into anything, I just sort of slowly fell off while moving at 5mph. The bike was probably worse off than me, which made me feel very bad. Lam has decreed that I will not be piloting his bike again, a decision I really have no choice but to agree with. Oh well, maybe I'll find a smaller bike later and play with that.



Lam takes me to a farm where they grow dragon fruit, mangos, bananas and... mushrooms. I head into the mushroom warehouse and manage to watch them for a few minutes. I feel pleased with myself. To celebrate not freaking out over some inoffensive little fungi, I wear a nine foot python as a necklace. They are very, very strong - I wouldn't want to do that without two others standing close by. It had a mass of about 45kg and that felt like all muscle.



The owner of the python, and the farm, used to be a North Vietnamese Army (NVA) captain during the American involvement. I have met a few people like this. He is very friendly - well, he let me play with his huge snake.



Lam takes me to some waterfalls which are immense. They are bigger in wet season, but I don't feel short changed. There are several waterfall lagoons around, and the only thing missing seems to be sultry maidens washing themselves. Happily I can provide more than enough sult myself. After a brief trek through the jungle (my first time in such an environment) we come to a cool, clear river which I happily jump in. I may have ruined a nondescript pair of boxers, a price I am more than happy to pay.

On the road again tomorrow.

Lak Lake - Chocks away

Lam turns up with a motorbike, bang on time. Even better, it turns out Tony knows him, and respects Lam's driving skills, which makes me feel at ease.

Lam makes several stops along the way to show me, in his words, "the real Vietnam". It seems pretty real - I see a fish market, how incense sticks are made for Buddhist ceremonies, the entire brick making process from clay to finished product, lots of rice paddys, granite mining and plenty of winding country mountain roads.

We stop in a small village after braving the rain - it will probably tip it down every afternoon for half an hour or so. It's all part of the fun. What's also fun is that I'm so far off the tourist route that little kids are surprised and slightly intimidated by me. I get a hello of a lot of waves and "hello!"s. It's all very friendly.

This evening I'm staying in a bamboo cabin on stilts.

Nha Trang - Bad News

Today was exceptionally strange.

I woke up this morning to find I have misplaced my hat.



This is a huge shame. I like my hat. It has been many places with me. It keeps the sun off my head, and when it rains it shelters my spectacles so I can still see.



There's no time to mount the rescue operation before diving, which is great again. I play with a sea cucumber, see schools of rainbow fish, a few really big fish, some blue starfish, some bright yellow needle fish - lots of fish, really. That's kind of the point of diving.



In the afternoon I start hat hunting, retracing my steps from last night. I take a wrong turn and end up a fair way away, when I spot a huge sign saying "massage". The place seems pretty legit (not that I'm an expert on spotting dodgy massage parlours, oh dear me no) and I think a back rub could help console me, and also loosen me up for the riding tomorrow.



Everything starts off pleasantly enough, I'm shown to a sauna, steamroom and shower before being given some gym shorts and shown to my massage table. It's here when the first difference between Vietnamese and, say, Turkish massages becomes apparent as my massager is a woman. By the way, in much the same way as being massaged by a bloke is Totally Not Gay, being massaged by a girl is Totally Not Cheating.



The next surprise was the range of the massage. It seemed that my entire back was a target for pummeling - so far so expected - but the range extends a few inches lower than I was entirely prepared for. It would be unfair to label it a bum massage, but the top few inches of arse got more attention than they are entirely used to. Thank God for the whole thing being Totally Not Cheating.



About three quarters of the way in, I was asked a question. Not speaking Vietnamese I needed a little clarification. Now I don't know for certain, but I'm pretty sure from the associated gesture that I was asked if I'd like her to massage my willy. Of course I politely declined, but I'm very pleased she asked. Had she just jumped in there I may have assumed it was all part of the standard massage, and could have been too embarassed to make a scene. Dodged that bullet.

Continuting the hat hunt I retraced my steps to the local restaurant I'd eaten in the night before and, oh joy of joys, they had my hat waiting for me. I was so overcome with gratitude I hugged the waitress. The poor girl looked terrified.

As I was making my way to a smoothie bar to celebrate I got talking to a Thai guy on the street, who told me his sister was moving to England and wondered if I could talk to her. Being an easy going fellow I went back to his place, where he gave me a few tins of beer and introduced me to his family.

In particular he introduced me to his brother in law, who very early on stared talking about his job in a casino, and how he had a scam running to make money. Now thanks to being a fan of The Real Hustle I'm well aware the only person who can lose money here is me, but I'm genuinely curious to see where in the scam I would get stung. I am also very vaguely wondering if there is any way I could scam the scammers, but that's a bit advanced for me.

Before long the brother is showing me some card sharp skills, then asks if I'd like to play against, and help him scam, a 'friend' who is coming over. This has got far too real - I don't want to do this, but it's very hard to excuse myself, and as soon as I start voicing doubts the friend arrives, which I find suspicious. Eventually, just before the 'game' starts I ask to use the toilet, and once out of sight leave quickly.

I'm fairly sure the whole casino thing was always bollocks, and they were going to make money from me off the card game - this despite the brother giving me his money to play with, and saying he doesnt mind if I lose it. I am a little shaken so decide for tonight to screw finding Vietnamese cuising, just heading for the middle of the tourist distric and having food the in the most neon-lit restaurant I can find.

While eating there I meet Andreas, who I met in Mui Ne and who arived yesterday. This is a shocking coincidence - we have a drink and make vague plans to meet again in Hoi An, along with a new traveller Andreas has met.

Back at the hostel I relate my casino story to Tony, the Irish ex-pat owner, who tells me he's heard similar stories before which turned nasty. I'm a fool for staying past the point I knew it was no longer a social call, but feel glad it wasn't worse - I'm sure had things gone differently I would have been frogmarched to an ATM to empty my account.

I hope Lam turns up tomorrow with a motorbike.

Nha Trang - Dive, Dive, Dive

Diving is an early bird game, so I get up early and make my way to the dive shop. The dive boat is incredibly well organised - usually, I believe, you have to sort out your own equipment, but here everything is done for you. My two dives go well - I see parrot fish, sea cucumbers, clams, schools of small quick fish, plenty of coral and scores of evil spiky sea urchins.



I had planned to chill on the beach in the afternoon, but a quick rainstorm puts paid to that idea. I go book hunting instead, and in the evening go for drinks with a few people who I met yesterday.

Nha Trang - easy riding

Walking around this morning checking out dive shops I'm approached by a guy on a motorbike. This is a very, very common occurance in this part of the world, they usually ask if you need a ride. My guy (who turned out to be called Lam) was different; he asked if I was going to Hoi An. That was my plan.





Over breakfast he explained he was one of the "easy rider" crew, who do motorbike tours of the Ho Chi Minh trail. He could take me to Hoi An over five days, staying in rural areas, in places where tourists are thin on the ground and seeing sights a lot of people miss. He was persuasive (he has a big book of glowing recommendations) and I'm pretty sold on motorbiking at the moment anyway, so I've signed up for the trip. He gave me a complementary bike tour of Nha Trang to demonstrate his riding prowess. I hope he turns up, I paid him a sensible deposit.





I had planned to spend only tomorrow diving, but when it's $36 for two dives it seems silly not to hang around. I found a dive shop with a Texan ex-pat called Mike, and the two of us had a beer and put the world to rights as I signed up for two days of diving.



The afternoon finds me on the beach alternating between reading, splashing in the sea and swimming in a pool. It's a tough life, but someone has to have it.



The evening is spent at a few bars meeting new people, which is always a barrel of fun.

Nha Trang - We were Bikers

Had an early-morning dip in the sea, because I can. Looked at kitesurfing, it's a little pricey and I can probably do that any time so that idea goes on the back burner. The idea very much on the front burner is renting a motorbike to speed over to the dunes, which is exactly what I do.



After a slightly wobbly start (entirely justified I think, as I have never ridden a motorbike before) I soon feel like I've got the hang of it. Before long I am bombing along country and coastal roads which are wide, quiet, well paved and gently twisting, with a breeze in my face and beautiful blue sky above me. You'd be surprised how fast the little motor-scooter things can go (100kph). Vietnam is such a beautiful country, it's no wonder the Commies want it.


I find the first set of dunes, rent a little plastic board and slide down a few times. I move on to find the next set, 20km further on. I think I took a wrong turning because I didn't find them, and I can't ask for directions for obvious reasons*. I don't care one iota - the ride is great and I am loving the motorbike. I will definitely do this again.


Bus on to Nha Trang, which is pretty cool - I get a very nice guesthouse for a very sensible price, then find out I have arrived for the last day of the festival. I find a huge square rammed with people - there must at least 10,000 - and a stage with singers and dancers performing. It was particularly good because of the height distribution. Usually, despite being six feet tall, I can't see that far in crowds - the reason is that most people are tall enough that the top of their head is at or above my eye level, so height is no great advantage.



This is not the case in south east asia. I could see over EVERYONE. People were commenting, asking me to take pictures from my vantage point, and it was fantastic. The night finished with fireworks. I like Nha Trang.





*I am in Vietnam; no one speaks english**


**Also, asking for directions is for losers

Mui Ne - establishing a beachhead

Feel very refreshed by my epic night of sleep, and immediately wander over to the Independence Palace where I can see rooms preserved from when it was attacked and captured by the North in 1975. I've booked my bus out of here at 3pm so have some time to kill - I head to the botanical gardens, only to find they are also a zoo. I have not been to a zoo for years. I go to the zoo.

One hair-raising moto ride back and it's on my way to Mui Ne on the beach. On the bus I meet the swedish Andreas and two Aussie girls - Andreas and I decide to share a room for the night for cheapness. We end up getting a twin bungalow about 15m from the warm sea and with a resort pool 15m in the opposite direction, for $10. I am seriously loving Vietnam right now.

There's very little to do in Mui Ne, it is a resort/watersport town. I think about kitesurfing, but my main priority is Mui Ne's premier attraction, sand dunes. Tomorrow I will go and slide down dunes.

Saigon - war is hell

We all join a tour of the Cu Chi tunnels, which the VC used against the French, then against the Americans back in the war. You can go into the tunnels, which is painful for me seeing as I'm pretty tall even by Western standards. We also see a lot of painful traps, mostly involving sharp bamboo spikes, nails and poisons.

They have a rifle range there where you can buy bullets and use the types of guns which the combatants used. I purchased eight rounds of 5.56mm ammunition and fired an American M-16 at some cardboard targets of animals. It was very, very fun.

Once back in town, I move hotel (the one we're staying in has a very nice room and a less nice price) and visit the War Remenants museum, the best part of which has to be the American tanks, heavy guns and planes parked outside. The hardest part of the museum to view is the photographs of the children born to people exposed to Agent Orange.

I see the girls off at six and am now officially on my own. I celebrate by having a few drinks, and then go to bed very, very early. I am knackered from all the late nights and early mornings, and this is my chance to recharge without anyone thinking me lame.

Saigon - move out, soldier

Most of today was spent on a bus, but after arriving in Ho Chi Minh city (hereafter referred to as Saigon, seeing as that's what most of Vietnam does) Melanie, Sindy and I had ice creams, visited the impressive post office and took a gander at Notre Dame, a cathederal in the middle of town which seems incredibly out of place.



Dinner is the best yet, tender beef cubes with toast and chilli rice. It's my last night with the girls, so we have a few drinks to celebrate or comiserate, depending on who you ask.

Chau Doc - don't mention the war

Today was spent in minivans and buses, but after a painless border crossing I am in Vietnam! After arriving and enjoying quite possibly the poshest hotel I've ever seen, we went motorbiking round the area, and louunged in hammocks drinking beer and watching the sunset. First impressions of Vietnam are very promising.



After dinner I wander around a bit, and within a few minutes I walk past a table of Vietnamese youths. They invite me to join, ply me with some local spirits and feed me some food which they claim is dog, though I'm skeptical. First impressions of Vietnam are extremely good.

Sihanoukville - splashing around

Got up, put on my swimshorts, got on a boat and did some snorkelling. The water was quite murky, but I did see a few striped fish and a huge sea urchin. We floated off to a beach where after some determined playing in the sea we settled down for a baraccuda lunch. One more beach later we get back on the boat to another snorkel spot, but the visibility here is so bad we amuse ourselves by jumping off the boat for half an hour.

Back at base I hop on a motorbike taxi which takes me to a separate beach, much quieter than the local one, where I relax and read my book. I ask for some food - pineapple and mango slices - and when I pay they try and rip me off, but I manage to mitigate the damage. Back to my beach hut and I take my swimshorts off. Ten hours in total. Very good day.

I'm initially up for a night out, but along with quite a few others am hit by weariness during the evening meal. Sitting around sunning myself has really taken it out of me. One quick night walk along the beach (which went up several points of dodgyness in the dark) and it's back to the beach hut.

Sihanoukville - Beaching and Beating

Arrived at the coast early in the afternoon and checked in to some beach huts before settling down for lunch.



I need to make a brief statement about food - I have been very good about eating. I have had more rice and noodles than I thought possible, I have tried Thai and Cambodian dishes when I've had the opportunity, I've eaten things which were unidentifiable before and after I put them in my mouth and I've had a hell of a lot of seafood, which is rare for me. In short, I am attempting "proper" cuisine.



But there are only so many times you can not order a $4 steak, so lunch was a holiday from the holiday with a beautiful peppercorn steak and chips. Dinner turned out to be red curry, so that makes up for it.



The afternoon was on the beach where I swam in a warm sea, a first for me. Lying in the sun would have been relaxing, if it weren't for the dozens of local touts trying to sell you braclets or massages or show repairs. Oh well, they're only trying to make a living.



Before dinner two of the girls and me tried Thai boxing at the local gym - we weren't properly sparring of course, but were being taught techniques. I was paired up with a fairly experienced native, who I suspect was playing a little "let's see how much you can take" game, as I had to tell him more than once to please stop repeatedly kicking me hard, what with me being unable to block and having a lack of natural padding.

Went to bed and had my first full night's sleep for days. Well, nights.

Phnom Penh - S-21 and the Killing Fields

We took a tour to S-21, a school which was converted into a prison for Pol Pot's government. He had educated people sent there (doctors, lawyers, teachers etc) along with foreigners (all of whom deemed CIA agents), his own soldiers and anyone who disagreed with his ideas.



Of the thousands sent to S-21, seven survived. All of the others were tortured to give details of any other educated people they knew. They were then killed. The seven were in prison when the government fell, and stayed alive by hiding until the guards and army had fled.



We then went to the killing fields, where the mass graves for the prisoners were. The paths had bones and clothes from the executed ground into them, and thousands of skulls were in a huge glass memorial.



The afternoon was spent in the National Museum, home to many sculptures from Angkor Wat, at the Royal Palace which hosts dozens of huge ornate buildings, temples and residences for the Royal Family and associated paraphernalia, and finally Wat Phnom, a temple on top of a grassy hill in the middle of the city. Watching the monkeys there be fed and play on the trees helped take the edge of the morning's sightseing.



In the evening, we went out for drinks, and a bit of wandering found me and three of the girls enjoying a Cambodian jazz cover band, which was excellent. At four shiny dollars a cocktail it wasn't the cheapest place in Phnom Penh, and I didn't care about that for a second.

Phnom Penh - settling in

Not much happened today - we drove 6 hours on a bus from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh. We never crossed an intersection -there was just one road all the way.



Dinner was at a restaurant where they had only two menus for the fifteen of us, it took forever to order and some of the food never arrived. Oh well, it happens.

Angkor Wat - Now that's what I call a Temple Complex

Up at quarter past five this morning - quarter past five! - to try and watch sunrise over Angkor Wat. We miss it, but at that time in the morning the mood is pretty special. We take a few photos and get to know our guide - Phaaline (maybe?). Back at the hotel for breakfast and a nap, then straight to Angkor Wat again for a day of exploration.

I see an elephant and feed him some bananas. His trunk has shocking dexterity.

The temples are huge and numerous, and have very cool decorations - lots of stone relief depicting religious and historical events. There are lots of huge faces carved into the stone high up in the air and tonnes of Buddhas just sitting around. We see a temple which featured in a Tomb Raider film, which has trees growing out of the stone (not literally, there's a very complicated roots system going on).

About half the tour leave for the hotel, and the rest of us continue exploring. By this point the heavens have been open for about an hour, and we scurry about in warm but torrential rain getting soaked to the skin. It is brilliant.

In the evening a few of us sit round a "Dr Fish" pool - a small pool full of fish who seem to adore dead skin. We put our feet in and the industrious tiny fellows duly munch away on them. It tickles unbelievably at first, but is very entertaining. A few drinks later I head back to the hotel.

Siam Reap - Welcome to Cambodia!

We were supposed to leave at 7am today, but apparently I slept through two wake up alarms and the hotel staff banging on my door. Luckily all the others took it in good spirits. I have just enough time to grab breakfast - rice on bread, because when you're hungry and in a hurry, anything will do - and pop into a very comfortable air-conned minivan. I doze as we head towards the Cambodian border, and we all have lunch (more rice for me) before braving the beaurocracy.

Just as we're in the final queue my lunch makes a fairly sudden and entirely unwelcome reappearance, but I feel mostly fine regardless so try and shrug it off. There's a repeat episode on the bus to Siam Reap but that seems to be the last of it. I don't know if it's tiredness, hangover, bad food or some combination but I'm here now and that's all that matters.

As it's raining and I'm still feeling a little delicate, I've not gone for a proper explore yet, but tomorrow I will be visiting Angkor Wat. This will probably be a highlight of my entire trip. The evening sees the entire tour getting some Cambodian food (apart from those amongst us choosing pizza or chips) and watching some traditional dance.

Bangkok - one man amongst many

Got up late today - I'm going to go right ahead and blame tourism; I should have been up earlier but the jet lag is a killer.

As I moved into the hotel I need to be in, I meet Richard who has been in Thailand for a month - we wander around for a bit, then join up with Alex who is also around for a few days. Both these guys are touring with the same company I'm with, but they are going in the opposite direction. I meet up with the rest of my trip - out of 11 of us, 10 of us happen to be girls.

We go out for a meal as a tour, and as we're wandering about Khao San road I bump back into Richard and Alex. We leave the group - I'm feeling the need to get as much male bonding done as possible, given the demograph - and drink quite heavily. I don't remember quite when I went back to the hotel, but I do remember stopping off at the internet cafe on the way back. Thankfully it seems like I don't have to do too much damage limitation.

Bangkok - paying the tourist tax

Didn't get up as early as I'd have liked today, but I'm going to go right ahead and blame that on the jet lag. When I did get up I started wandering about to see some sights.

I was just taking a picture of the dominating Democracy Monument when a friendly young Thai came up to me and offered me a tuk-tuk tour of the city for very, very cheap. Now I'm not so dense as to figure there was no catch, so a bit of gentle probing revealed I'd be dropped off at one of the tailor shops in the city for the driver to pick up some free petrol. This seemed reasonable, so I hopped in.

Unfortunately there were slightly more shops than advertised, but in fairness they were spaced out around some genuine city sights (such as a HUGE standing Buddha and a HUGE reclining Buddha and several SMALLER Buddhas). I may have accidentally ordered some tailor-made shirts for much less than it would cost me back home. As long as they arrive tomorrow, I'll be happy.

In the evening I watched some muai thai - Thai boxing. I was persuaded to buy a ringside seat, which cost a touch more than I really wanted, but I figure you're always ripped off on the first day in a new country, so I might as well get ripped off properly. Not being an affectionado of Western style boxing, I'm not in the position to make sensible comparisons, but after a couple of rounds where the fighters seem to get to know each other they get positively brutal. Seeing surprisingly lightweight Thais kick each other repeatedly was oddly compelling, not that I'll be adding boxing to my list of "must tries". Still, I've now attended my first blood sport, which had to happen sooner or later.

The evening saw me grabbing more spicy food and head to bed. See you tomorrow...

Bangkok - turning up and crashing out

I am in Bangkok!

The flight was about as good as can be expected. We landed about 3.15 pm and by the time I was in Bangkok proper it was more like five. The fact I should have been here this time yesterday (stupid BA with their stupid different terminals at stupid Heathrow and stupid long times to stupid change stupid terminal stupid. Not bitter) cannot diminish my general keenness one iota.

Sadly I was far too sleep-deprived / jet lagged to really annouce my arrival in the East, finding the energy only to locate a fantastically cheap hostel, grab a wonderfully cheap meal and wash it down with a by now unsurprisingly, but by no means unwelcome, cheap beer.

The price you pay for travelling with less than you need is that you need to run boring but vital errands, so the evening is spent looking for clothes unsuccessfully and toiletries successfully. Hopefully by tomorrow I will be able to think in a straight line and can properly explore the place. First impressions are very promising though - where I am staying (Khausan Road) is the typical backpackers base for Bangkok and there seem to be more foreigners than locals. Sometimes I'd hate this, but I'm pretty chilled out about it for now.

Mahon to Cadiz, the old fashioned way

I spent a week on a brig, going from Menorca to Cadiz. She is called the Stavros S Niarchos and is the largest brig (two-masted vessel, both with square sails) in the world.

My first view of the Stavros

Day 1 was spent in Mahon harbour, getting trained on how to safely go up and down the rigging, put sails in their gear (which means get them ready to be used), helm (steer - yes, there's a lot of jargon when you sail, and nearly all of it is pretty important), keep lookout and all sorts of useful things. We left in the evening, set some sails and headed for the south coast of Mallorca.

After motoring north between Mallorca and Ibiza we sailed south again. This turned out to be the most sailing we did - unfortunately the winds were both slight and against us for most of the week. The Captain might be God on board but sadly His powers don't extend to directing air currents.


We stopped off in Cartagena for a day where some of us saw some Culture (Roman ruins, castles etc) and some Nightlife. The Spaniards don't seem to have standard measures for spirits. This is simultaneously great fun and very, very dangerous.

Approximately my 42nd view of the Stavros

Leaving Cartagena one of our two engines wouldn't start. With the winds still against us that meant we had to struggle to make Cadiz - at one point, entering the Straits of Gibralter, we were making only 3.5 knots. That is about walking pace.


It's quite hard work - each of the 50-or-so voyage crew is in one of three "watches" (mine being White Watch, which was the best). You're awoken at some horrible times, but the downside to getting up at 3.30am for a four-hour shift is watching dawn break over the sea, if you're into that sort of thing. Which I am. There's a lot of pulling ropes to make sails do stuff (yes, it's slightly more complicated than that but there's no need to get technical) but then again there's a fair amount of lazing about on the bowsprit (that's the pointy bit at the front).


On the whole though, it's great fun, even if there's not a huge amount of actual sailing. Plus you get some pretty unique moments.

Istanbul - Boatin' the Bosphorus

Took a cruise today along the Bosphorus, almost as far as the Black Sea. Spend a few hours on lunch and a viewing a castle before heading back. Head into town for my last Turkish kebab. I have been spoiled for them, and will probably not be able to bring myself to eat the inferior British variety for a while.

It takes me forever to get to sleep, but I'm up early the next day to fly home.

Istanbul - Over the Bridge

I walk over the Golden Horn with Steve, a doctor I met last night, as well as Eli and her two friends who came to meet her yesterday. We go up a tower for the view and wander about the back streets. I leave them to visit the military museum and catch up back at the hostel. It's been a pretty relaxed day for me.

Istanbul - Back

Check in to the hostel I was in before. Elena is meeting some of her student friends here. As they haven't been to Istanbul they go off to do the main tourist sights I saw when I was here a month ago. I find some slightly more out-of-the-way places, but only very slightly. Istanbul seems very odd after the rest of Turkey - it's completely different with the number of tourists and the prices. Oh well, it's the price you pay for visiting an amazing city.

I walk miles up towards the outskirts of the old town and walk along the walls a bit before getting the tram back. Ordinarily I wouldn't use public transport like this but the fact I've somehow moseyed nine stops away from the hostel makes me feel justified.

It's ANZAC day today, where the Ozzies and Kiwis commemorate Galipolli, so the place is rammed with drunk cons and farmers. It's quite fun but I'm nearly falling asleep at the table so I have to call it an early night.

Ankara - Little trains and big trains

Elena's working all day on her Masters so I go museum hunting. I go to the Museum of the War of Independence which is full, and I mean packed-to-the-rafters, you-blatently-didn't-do-a-fire-risk-assessment full of Turkish kids - looks like several scout and guide troops and a school or five. The museum itself is all in Turkish but the experience is amusing, if bizarre.

Find the Transport Museum which is just excellent - loads of models and exhibits of trains, bikes, planes, boats... well, transport, I guess. Go book hunting in the afternoon and score a couple of cheap thrillers which should tide me over the next week or so.

She's still working when I get back so I go to what I'm assuming is my last hamam trip (as they are too expensive in Istanbul). Turns out that in contrast to my previous experiences, the hamam I'm in is the gay one, but the physical cleanliness outweights the dirt of shame, so on balance I'm ahead.

We catch the night train to Istanbul.

Ankara - Museums and Atatürk

Get up and meet Elena, helping her to move into my hotel which is much cheaper than hers. We go to the Museum of Anatolian Civilisation which has a lot of artifacts from the region, and to Atatürk's Mausoleum. It's a public holiday - I think the anniversary of the fouding of the Republic - and the place is heaving, but it's still a really interesting afternoon. The Turks really love the guy.

She goes back to the hotel to work and for the next few hours I wander around Ankara for a bit, get my second kebab of the day, find a bar and head back myself.

Ankara - Making friends - 22nd April

Get up after about 2 hours sleep. Hit my thumb in the hotel door and get on the bus to the airport. Narrowly miss being killed by a lorry at a roundabout. Wonder if God or Fate is trying to tell me something about the flight.

Get on anyway and fly to Ankara. After finding a hotel I walk to the Tourist Information for a map. On a street corner is what looks like a tourist reading a pencıl-drawn map. She asks me in Turkish what road we're on, and I tell her in English. Turns out she is a Latvian Erasmus student on her last few days in Turkey visiting Ankara and Istanbul.

Within an hour we've booked train tickets together for the night train in two days time and are planning to spend the next few days wandering about the museums of Ankara. After dinner she has work to do at her hotel, so I find a bar where a Turkish pair are playing covers I recognise. At some point the police enter and seem to take everyone's ID cards but they are not systematic and I'm not asked for mine. Head back to the hotel.

Kars - Ani, Coins and Knives

I've arranged for a taxi to take me to Ani this morning, which is supposed to have some of the most impressive ruins around. I'm not disappointed when I get there - the ruins cover a huge area and a lot of them are still intact enough for a non-expert like me to make sense of.



There seems to be nobody else for miles around, and I'm really enjoying the solitude. As I poke about some ruins I spot someone else. After exchanging hellos he shows me some coins he's found - he speaks no English but he indicates that he found them lying about. That's quite cool in my book, so I ask him if I can take a picture of them. Mostly it's because I'm planning on an Indiana Jones ''they belong in a museum!'' joke later on.



Sadly it turns out that this guy isn't one of the cool friendly Turks I've been meeting all month, but one of the asshole tourist baiters. He demands money off me for taking the pictures. I'm a bit put out by this and refuse, going as far as to delete the pictures from the camera. I walk off after emphatically indicating that our conversation is over (not by giving him the finger or anything, just through tone of voice and body language). I head a bit further into the ruins, hoping that's the end of the matter.



It's not. He follows me and then he pulls out a knife. He doesn't brandish it or threaten me, but I feel the subtext is reasonably clear. He walks over to a wall and beckons me over - I come about a step closer to try and not anger him any more but I feel it's about time I kept my distance. He carves '10' into the rock wall - 10 Lira being about four pounds. It isn't a life-changing amount of money, but I'm pretty sure about the worst thing I could do right now is actually give him the cash - then he'd get a good look in my wallet and the next thing I know I'm a few hundred down.



By moving to the wall he's now no longer between me and the exit, so I forcefully decline to play any more and leave sharply. As I'm marching away I'm aware he's following me from a distance. I assess the situation - on the one hand, he is pretty angry, armed and knows the terrain. On the other hand, I back myself to be able to run away from him if I need to, plus although it's quiet, it is a public area. Above all, if the worst comes to the worst, he can have my wallet. That's what insurance is for. I decide to carry on inspecting ruins keeping an eye out for him.



This does naturally detract from my enjoyment of Ani. I don't inspect the ruins as closely as I usually would, and whenever I'm inside a ruined building I'm very aware of where the exits are. I'm probably being a bit of a drama queen, but I have no desire to meet extortion-knife-man again, especially with my back literally against a wall.



Moving towards another church I meet a different man, and again we exchange hellos. I have a sense of foreboding and sure enough he reaches into his pocket and withdraws some coins. What is this, some kind of national sport? He's barely opened his hand to show me when I'm backing off and making it clear I'm not interested. Thankfully this guy just smiles and doesn't seem too fussed. Then three army guys show up out of nowhere. I don't say hello to them but the sight of them makes me feel better about things.



It's hard to remain jittery though, as the scenery is spectacular - not only are the ruins themselves amazing but they are set against a backdrop of Armenian mountains and with the sun shining it's not long before I'm sauntering along again. I even cautiously head back to the area where I met knife-man just before I leave as I hadn't seen everything there. He isn't around - I haven't seen him since just after the incident when he followed me for a little while, and I don't see him again.



Back in Kars I wolf down an Iskender kebab and head up to the Castle which I didn't get a proper poke around yesterday. Back at the hotel I bump into three Turks who are making dinner in the common room - bread, cheese, tomatos, olives, chocolate spread etc. They absolutely insist I join them, overuling my objections that I've already eaten. After dinner I impress them with my two magic tricks and utterly cream one at backgammon.

I don't sleep well tonight and am awake until 6.30 am or so.

Kars - approaching the back of beyond

Up and on a bus to Kars. I have spent about 12 hours in Erzurum and about 8 of them were sleeping. From the other four, this seems to be a sensible ratio.



The ride to Kars is actually pretty nice - we're well above the snowline for a lot of it, and the peaks of some of the mountains are still completely white. It is a far cry from Kaş where I had beaches and sea to contend with.



Kars is not as polished as some of the other places I visited, which is exactly what I was expecting. I walk about for a bit, and discover the train to Ankara will cost next to nothing, but will take over a day. This is not my idea of fun. I opt to fly instead. Screw it.



After screwing it I walk up to the castle but it closes earlier than I expected so I'll need to go back. At the hotel I meet some Americans, some of whom are teaching English in Ankara, and we go out for dinner and drinks. They're off further East tomorrow whereas I have one more day in Kars.

Erzurum - monastaries and more miles

Get a minibus to Sumela which is a monastary built high up in the mountains. The place itself isn't as good as it clearly could be, but that might be culture fatigue on my part. It's location is fantastic, high above a valley with stunning views and some great preserved/restored frescos, but the rest of it is a bit barren. Oh well, I meet some friendly Australians and it's a pleasant walk, so I won't complain.



Back in Trabzon I want to move on quickly so I hop on a 6-hour bus to Erzurum. My destination is Kars but I get here too late to move on, so I take an overnight pit stop.



If I make it to Kars tomorrow than I will have been almost as far North, South, East and West as it is possible to go in Turkey, but I won't have been actually as far North etc. This makes me pleased.

Trabzon - Cheap kebabs and long bus rides

Up early to visit the Amasya museum which has some exhibits from the archaeological sight, including six mummified bodies. Two of them are the bodies of young children. This moves me more than I anticipated.

Back in the sunlight I walk to the bus station and get straight on a bus to Samson. Once there I get straight on a bus to Gireson, which is just a brief stop to break up the journey. Great idea though - here I find a kebab and a drink for the equivalent of 65p. İ also grab some Baklava. I don't usually like the stuff, but the Turkish - i.e. original - version is fantastic.

Get back on the bus to Trabzon, find my hotel and go for a wander. After having dinner (kebab - I'm really racking them up today) I go to the hamam. I haven't had a shower since the night bus - the place in Amasya made me feel showering would make me dirtier. The experience isn't quite as good as I'd hoped because it's late and they are cleaning up, but I still get my wash and massage. If you've never been washed by a Turk then quite frankly you've never been clean. Head back all pink and shiny.

I hit the town and get chatting to some locals. One seems to be an anti-American conspiracy theorist, but he buys my beer so I don't care. The town seems to stop dead at midnight so I do too.

Amasya - totally worth it

Get into Amasya about 6 in the morning after having a few hours sleep. Find a hotel and book a room for the night. I wonder briefly if they're going to charge me for the rest of this morning and tonight as two separate nights, but for now I just want a bed.

The night receptionist is the weirdest Turk I've met yet. After giving me my room he kisses me on both cheeks and hugs me. I'm all for friendlyness but this seems a little much. Shortly after this he follows me into the bathroom while I'm taking a piss and gives me a pair of sandals.

At this point I feel I would be completely justified in getting the hell out, but a combination of instinct and tiredness convinces me to stay. He is odd, but I think he is harmless. In any case, he is about two-thirds my size and three times older than me. I back myself to be okay if things get worse.

I sleep with the key in the lock and keep my passport on me today.

By the time I get up it's mid morning. I go for a walk and orientate myself before heading up to look at some ancient tombs. They are mostrously huge, visible from miles away. Even the graffiti doesn't make them any less impressive.

The tombs are scattered over a rocky hillside so I climb about for a bit. I find a narrow rail track heading up the hill so I follow it. At the top I meet five Turks who I take to be miners.

This is why Turkey is great; in the UK there's no way I'd have got anywhere near a working site like that, and if I did I'd be shooed away pretty quickly. In contrast, these guys greet me and offer me a cup of tea. Despite no common language they tell be they are archaeologists working for the museum, digging deep into the hillside (down a tunnel not visible from below) looking for Roman and Byzantium artifacts. Once we hear thunder they put me in the mine cart and send me back down the hillside, so I won't have to climb. Turks are amazing.

I walk a long way round to visit the Citadel which has a fantastic view of Amasya, and walk along a country road for a bit. Back in town, I have me first mixed grill of the month - I'm slightly surprised by how long it's taken me, but with all the kebabs on offer it makes sense. When I get back to the hostel the weird guy takes an extra 10 bucks off me. I'm not too surprised. Well, moving on again tomorrow.

Göreme - chilling out and leaving

The weather isn't fantastic so I spend the morning doing some errands - laundry, book hunting, drinking tea and playing backgammon. Stefan (who I met on the bus from Konya) and I walk to the Göreme open-air museum which consists of more churches carved out of rock.

I grab my stuff and leave in the early evening. If all goes well I will not have a fun night - I'm planning on catching a night bus, something I was trying to avoid. Thing is, after Kaş and Göreme I feel like I've done far too much relaxing and not nearly enough travelling, so I need a bit of a kick start to get me moving properly again.

At Kayserai I book myself on the night coach. It leaves at 11pm and gets into Amasya at about 6 in the morning.

What fun.

Göreme - Taking the Tour - April 15th

I'm booked on a guided tour of the area which turns out to be money well spent. We visit the panoramic view of the area, an underground city which is about 4,000 years old and used to be used in times of attack, a canyon and an old caravanserai also carved out of mountainside.





It's a full day.

Göreme - City of rock

Head to the museum in Konya - it's dedicated to someone-who's-name-escapes-me, but is the spiritual home of the whirling dervishes.



Get a couple of buses to Göreme in Cappadocia which is frankly almost indescribable. So I won't make much effort to describe it. About half the town is carved out of the mountainside and my room is a cave.



It is cool enough that I'm happy to plan on spending a few nights here.

Konya - bugging out and getting clean

I must have come to a decision while I was asleep because when I wake up I decide to leave pretty quicky. Antalya just reminds me of Kaş, only it's worse, so there doesn't seem to be much point in staying.



Cappadocia is a bit too far to do in one journey if you don't have to, so I stop off at Konya for a night. I have made one utterly idiotic mistake - I had a bottle of beer in my rucksack which I forgot about, and after the bus journey it had broken in my bag. Thankfully my towel seemed to take most of the damage. Lesson learnt - from now on I'm drinking all my beer as soon as I get it.


Konya is a funky little city. I'm feeling grubby so go to the haman which is fantastic - I get washed, soaped and massaged for about 12 quid. I would like to point out, once more, that being rubbed down by a hairy topless Turkish guy is totally not gay.



I meet a Turkish student waiter Emra who gives me a badge he made himself, and arrange to meet him for drinks after he gets off work. We join a friend of his in a bar for a bit, before I head back.

Antalya - scrambling and rambling

Don't feel like doing much this morning so I sit in the campsite and read a book that I liberated from the communal library. It is called "The Second Wives' Club" and is the most promising title available, which tells you a little bit about the collection. It is one of the worst written books I have ever read.



In the afternoon I scramble about on the valley near the Olympos ruins and see a little bit of wildlife. I get a lift to Antalia with the Turk I befriended yesterday and find the hostel, before wandering about a bit.



First impressions aren't great, but I'll get a better idea about the place tomorrow.

Olympos - Peace out

Edith and I head to Demra where we visit the church of St. Nicholas (yes, Santa Claus) as well as Myra for more Roman ruin fun. We see a snake and a tortoise.

It's been days since I had a kebab, so I go hunting. Once I've located one Edith and my paths split, with her heading back to Kaş and me going onwards to Olympos. I'm staying in a ''tree house'' (more like a log cabin, but who's counting?). The whole place has a bit of a kooky air about it, but nothing I reckon I can't handle.

I ramble through more ruins and eventually meet up with the Irish Patrick, who I was on the bus with. We go for a drink and I hang around my campsite until it is painfully clear I am staying in a God-damned hippy commune. I beat a Turk at backgammon and he agrees to give me a lift to Antalya tomorrow afternoon. Result.

Kaş - Success

Get up quite early and visit the market. Breakfast is a potato pancake with chocolate spread. Edith and I wander about half a mile out to the beach - I dip my toes in and we head back to town.

We get on the boat for the third time and head to another new site. After about two hours we've done everything we need to do (and we're at about the safe limit anyway) so back we go.

It just takes a little bit more admin and then both of us are PADI Open Water Divers. I scuba-dived to 18m today and since Wednesday we've been doing all kinds of skills underwater - taking various bits of kit off and replacing them, simulating out-of-air scenarios and also floating about and looking at fish.

Scuba diving is awesome.

We take our instructor Oray out for dinner at the same place we went to yesterday, and after a few drinks and a quick backgammon lesson it's the end of my last night in Kaş. It is a brilliant place, especially out of season.

Kaş - Wow. Just wow.

I get up and it's another beautiful day. I wander down to the bakery for breakfast and pick up two rolls, and hit the fruit shop for an orange. The guy at the shop refuses to sell me the orange - he gives it to me for free instead. Either I have a healthy birthday glow about me, or he doesn't actually work there. Either way, a free orange along with a nice cup of Turkish tea and some soft olive-flavoured rolls make for a great start to the day.

Edith (who changed hostels yesterday and is now in the room opposite mine, as the hostel I found is nicer than hers for the same price) and I wander down to town for Day 2 of treat. It's excellent - I get into the swing of things very quickly, and I'm a lot more comfortable than yesterday. We learn a lot and I see some very cool things.

My jaw achs a bit in the afternoon due to my exertions but that soon clears up. After some admin and tests at the office, Edith and I head out for dinner. We find a nice restaurant and I have a fish supper while I watch the sun set over the mountains behind Kaş town. While we're eating, some representitives of the local feline population are amusing themselves next to the table. The fish costs less than advertised, which means I get a fantastic supper, drink and pudding for under a tenner.

I need to head back to the hostel and when I catch up with Edith she has a present - some Turkish delight.

I could not have planned a better birthday.

Kaş - Serendipity - April 8th

As I wake there is glorious sunshine. I wander down to town. As it's my birthday tomorrow I have planned myself a special treat, and I find the tourist office because I need more information. When I am there I bump into the Austrian Edith who has the exact same plan as me, though she is slightly further along. I join her on the first of three days of treat.

By the afternoon I am slightly sunburnt. I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Kaş - It was the best of bus rides, it was the worst of bus rides

It's cold and rainy so when I get up to visit the Hierapolis ruins I'm not really feeling it. Still, needs must, and after I pay an extortionate tourist tax to visit, I gain access to the Travertines.

The Travertines are natural pools formed by calcıum-rich water. As the water evaporates it leaves the calcium carbonate deposits behind, making the entire hillside look white. From far away it appears like grubby snow but up close it's actually pretty cool. I paddle in the pools in the rain - they must be volcanic because they are hot.

The weather has worsened, so I get pretty wet wandering about the ruins of Hierapolis, just above the Travertines (built by the Romans to take advantage of the natural mineral-rich water). They are reasonably impressive. Had the weather been nicer I could have had a great day wandering all over the huge hillside area but after seeing the main attractions I had had enough and wanted to move on. Besides, it was full of French people.

Had the weather been nicer I think this would have been a trip highlight, but to guarantee that you'd need to come in season, which would be intolerable. There seems to be nothing in Pamukkale but tourism. Well, onwards.

Minibus to Denizli bus station, and try to get on a bus to Kaş. They tell me I need to get to Antalya first, and then get the dolmus (minibus) from there, which run often. All the buses cost the same so I follow the advice of a Turk I've befriended and take the 'best' bus company.

The following four hours are the best I have ever had on a bus. The seats were huge and comfortable, the headset radio distracting, the tea and cake complimentary, the scenery captivating and, best of all, the further from Pamukkale we got the nicer the weather, until we arrived in Antalya in glorious sunshine.

I was then told I needed to get the dolmus to Kaş (expected) and that it would take four hours (unexpected). Looking at the map it seems I must have been conned somehow, but I can't work out who benefitted. Oh well, I've lost a maximum of four hours and less than a tenner, so we chalk this one up to experience.

The following four hours are not the worst I have ever spent on a bus, but for a long-legged fellow like me they are pretty miserable. I get into Kaş at night, find my hostel and dump my stuff. Despite 8 hours of bus ride and a full morning it's not quite late enough for me to crash, so I find a bar, get chatting to some Turks, get ripped off horribly for drinks, and go to bed.

Pamukkale - We built this city on rock and tourism

Up later than I'd hoped, but I've had a few early starts recently so I refuse to feel bad. Wander around the Ephesus Museum in Selçuk for a few hours, and get on the bus to Parmukkale in the middle of the afternoon.

It gets there late, and I'm jumped on by a hostel owner who's trying to get me to stay in his hostel. As it's mentioned in the guide book I feel it's probably legit, so get in his minibus with a few other backpackers and off we go.

As we arrive the signs aren't good - there's a massive blue neon sign above the entry road saying, in English, ''Welcome to Pamukkale''. This place may be slightly touristy.

I meet three French travellers at the hostel, go out for dinner and a drink, and head back. My brief excursion has confirmed my fears - all the restaurants have menus in English and it's clear I'm well on the beaten track. Oh well.

Selçuk - Ephesus

Up early enough that well before noon I've moved about 80km, found a hostel in Selçuk and started walking towards the ruins of Ephesus. I bump into two Americans at the entrance to the ruins, Kat and Kim, and we wander around the remains together.

The Ephesus ruins are much bigger and grander than at Troy, though slightly less legendary. They cover a huge area and it takes us a good few hours to walk over the whole thing. You can go right up to a lot of the ruins (which may be why there's less here than there otherwise might have been, but I'm not complaining). They have a monstrous theatre here, which I estimate could hold something like 10,000 people, as well as a library with a statue of Science outside. Yay! The entrance to the library is in good condition / has been restored well; it must be 20m high, and very ornate.

The girls are heading off to Greece so after lunch I say goodbye and wander round Selçuk town a bit more. There are some ruins of an aquaduct which would have been incredible back when it worked, and more ruins of a basilica above the supposed tomb of the apostle John. I meet a New Zealander called Sam here, and we wander to what was one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, the Temple of Artimis. In its day this was a massive temple, on the scale of the Acropolis, with about 200 columns. Today only one and a half columns remain on swampy, boggy ground. There are storks nesting on top of the tall column.

Back at the hostel we chill with some of the other guests for a bit, before we all turn in.

İzmir - Bad Call

Get up, grab a pastry which turns out to be another olive-stuffed one (not that I'm complaining mind you, but occasionally I like to know what I'm eating before I put it in my mouth) and jump on the bus to İzmir which takes about 7 hours total to get me to the town centre. My Standard Procedure of heading straight for the tourist office for a map fails me as the place is closed. I find the hotel area and start making enquiries.



Some of these hotels are unbelievable cheap - I'm offered a bed for about £3.50 but I opt for a more expensive room in a hotel where 'security' doesn't mean they can padlock you into your room in the middle of the night. Call me picky but there are some things I don't feel like compromising on.



I didn't have high hopes for İzmir and they were fully reasised. Maybe I'm slightly unfair when I say that İzmir is a dump, but İzmir is a dump. Admittedly I arrived too late in the day to check out any museums they have, but the entire town's claim to fame is that they didn't build a motorway here once when they could have done.



Alright, the walk among the seafront was pleasant enough, right up until the bit the sıx-year-old kid started pestering me for 'money money money' with a stupid grin that I didn't punch, but only because there were other people around. And yes, today's kebab was served in a proper sit-down cafe, with a salad and everything, and live music. But the rest of the city is just faceless metropolis. The Bazaar is supposed to be worth a visit, and maybe I got the wrong entrance or maybe I was just not payıng attention, but I'm reasonably sure to get there you need to walk through a Debenhams.



So I thought screw it, if İzmir can't be arsed then I can't be arsed, and went to watch Fast & Furious 4, which is good fun if, like me, you enjoy bad films. Bed early so I can get the hell away from here tomorrow.

Çanakkale - 3000BC to 1915AD

I'm on a tour of Troy this morning, and get a lift to the ruins where we meet out guide, Mustafa Aksin, who's written a book on the place.

Turns out Troy is actually 9 cities, by which I mean between 3000BC and 500AD there were 9 distinct phases of settlement (further sub-divided into 43 different building phases within them, making the whole place a colossal mess, archiologically speaking). The Troy of Greek legend was either the last end of Troy VI or the beginning of Troy VII, about 1300 BC.

Our guide is excellent and leads us round the ruins. Today I touched the walls of Homeric Troy.

Back at town I have my first kebab for at least a day and go to the military museum, which comemorates the Gallipolli offensives. They have several good exhibitions, though I find it distinctly odd wandering about - the place, reasonably enough, mainly deals wıth the Turkish (and victorious) side of things. Most other museums like that I have been to are told from the British / Allies side of things. It's an interesting flip of perspective.

I go for a wander in the late afternoon North along the coast and manage to wind up nearly walking into a Turkish military compound, then get vaguely lost in the residential area. Should have gone South. Dinner is an İskender kebab (like a döner but with yoghurt). I find a bar where the waitress takes a few minutes out of her busy schedule to play backgammon with me. She has to leave me 'to serve drinks' but it's blatently because I'm kicking her arse, despite being 3-2 down.

The next bar has both a barman who's willing to negotiate the price of beer (thank you shameless haggling) and a live duo. Çanakkale has grown on me, but I'm off tomorrow.

Çanakkale - Bus, Boat, Foot

Up early, and because I bought my ticket from the hostel I get a free lift to the bus station, which is very nice of them. The bus takes hours and I start out feeling a little queasy (yesterday's lamb was nice, but stightly too chewy for comfort) but I'm soon feeling better. On the way I get chatting to some Australians, then meet some Americans on the ferry over to Çanakkale.

I am now, I believe, (technically, at any rate) in Asia for the first time in my life.

The hostel is no distance from the ferry, so I dump my stuff and go for a walk. I find the military museum, which is closed, and get a bread pasty on the way back. After one bite I find it is stuffed with something which I am, at first, unable to identify, but at second turns out to be olives. Warm, fresh, olive-stuffed bread for 50p! This is the best surprise I have had for ages.

Dinner in a tiny diner where I get more than I can eat for a few quid. I can hear what sounds like a band warming up, and when I wander into the bar next door I find that's exactly what it is. I hang out in the student bar listening to a Turkish cover band, and head back before it gets too late.

Istanbul - Palaces, Harems and Baths - Aprıl 1st

Up and meet Brendon, Maura and Candice for breakfast. We head out to the Topkapi Palace which is huge. We walk round the courtyards and see some of the exhibitions, like the Treasury which has some absolutely ridiculous artifacts. I'm talking about a suit of chain mail covered in gold, or a diamond as big as a really really big diamond. There are dozens of small jugs, plates, writing boxes and the like, which doesn't sound like much except they are all covered in gold, jade, emeralds, rubies and anything else the Sultans had lying about the place.

Seeing all this was, of course, just a precursor to hitting the Harem. This had hundreds of ornate tiles all over the place, and it looked as if living there would be quite a good deal. That's apart from the bit where you have to sleep with the Sultan at the drop of a hat, but still.

After lunch (kebab) we head to a Turkish bath. This is incredible. The baths are separated by gender, so I get changed into a towel and wander into the men's room. There are stone basins everywhere which catch hot and cold water from taps just above them, and a dish you use to scoop the water out and all over yourself. At some point a huge Turkish guy tells me to lie on a stone table, and it seems easiest not to resist, which turns out to be a good idea as the massage he gives me is fantastic.

After chilling in the baths for a bit, trying some apple tea and grabbing a quick snack (kebab) the girls head back to the Bazaar and I hit happy hour again. After killing time with Backgammon they join us with trinkets, and we Shisha until dinner time, with a couple of Canadian girls also staying in the hostel. For excitement we head out to Taksim which is a fair way away, but worth it for the food - surprisingly, not a kebab this time, but still excellent. One mildly scary taxi ride later and it's bed time - I need to be up at a sensible time for the bus tomorrow.

Istanbul - Everything you need to see in a day

Not everything obviously, because then I 'd have nothing to do tomorrow. But after breakfast at the hostel Brendon, hıs cousın Mauna who arrıved very early this morning, my roommate Candice and I head out to the biggest sights.

We go to the Hagia Sophıa which has been variously a church, mosque and museum. It is monstrous inside - there is about enough space to build several houses. There are some mosaic ruins, including some just above the niche of the Virgin Mary and Jesus, which strikes most of us as odd, but who are we to judge?

Very close by is the Blue Mosque which we can't go in the main area of, due to a combination of us being heathen infidel scum and the building being a working mosque, but we are allowed to stand at the back and admire the blue.

We take a trip down to the Cistern which is where water for the cıty used to be stored underground (I'm not certain but I believe it's a location used in From Russia With Love) which is dank, dark, wet, full of fish and like nowhere else I've ever been. They have a display down there which seems to be a model of a model village. This seems excessive. There's a cafe down there which might not be the most romantic place to eat but is probably one of the most unique.

After lunch - kebab - we head to the Bazaar. This is pretty much a recon trip for me, seeing as I'll be back in Istanbul in a month and will go shopping then. Still, it's one of the few occasions I've gone shopping without a specific purpose and enjoyed it. We are offered a free sample of some kind of sweet chewy food, and like it so much we buy half a kilo of the stuff.

Back at the hostel there's some general chilling and admiring of the view (of both the Hagia Sophia AND the Blue Mosque, thank you very much). A few games of backgammon later the barman decides to extend Happy Hour all night, and we repay his hospitality by sticking around, drinking, smoking shisha and eventually having dinner (third kebab in two days. What a country). There's even an open-air terrace ABOVE our rooftop bar with stunning views of the two buildings and across the rıver. This is a fantastic hostel.

After a quick foray to see the near sights at night, and befriending a local pack of probably-not-rabid dogs, it's home to bed.

Istanbul - March 30

Early start, but I snooze on the plane and arrive in Istanbul about 5pm. By the time I find the hostel it's in the middle of 'happy hour' at the rooftop bar upstairs, so it seems rude not to have a drink and formally introduce myself to Turkey.

I meet an American called Brendon and another called Lewis, and we head out for, naturally enough, a kebab. When I get back to the hostel I find a couple of Brits and we chat for a bit, but I'm pretty knackered so head to bed, where I meet my Canadian roommate. This place seems like a good one for meeting people.

Tommorow will be when the sightseeing starts properly.

Day 15 - Epilogue

Up, bus, airport, plane, Stansted, train, Cambridge, bed.

Done.

Day 14

Up, but not too early. It's my last day so I plan on enjoying it.

Wander around a little more of Tallinn, and find the History museum, which has a fantastic knight with a double-handed sword. The sword is about as long as me, but the armour is for someone about five feet tall. What a bad-ass.

Come afternoon I find the Museum of Occupation - it has a lot of memorabilia from Soviet days, including a Lada which looks extremely comfortable (and another which looks painful to sit in, let along drive). Best is the exhibit downstairs, which has the heads from old Soviet statues. The guys who the statues depicted were high up in Estonian / Soviet government, and I like the idea that they're stuck in a museum basement now, not adorning prestigious spaces in Tallinn.

One more sauna, and it's dinner time. Pancakes again, then we watch Taken at the hostel (one of those films with no sympathetic characters, so I didn't really care if the good guys won) before my final night. It's not as heavy as I thought it might be. I must be getting old. Wander around Tallinn for a little while looking for a kebab shop but it's too good at hiding so I head back.



Estimated number of units today: 8
Estimated number of units total: 73

Estimated number of girls taken to bed today: 0
Estimated number of girls taken to bed total: 0

Day 13

Up, pastry from the supermarket and start my Tallinn wandering. I follow the 'walking tour' route - I figure if it worked in Riga it should work here. It is absolutely freezing. I spend about three hours running about seeing all the best buildings - the Russian cathedral is probably the highlight. Annoyingly in the non-Russian cathedral you can't go up the tower in the winter months.

Back to the hostel to make lunch and meet an American called Josh. We go out to the City Museum which is cheesy, but cheap and good for an hour or so. Back at the hostel I use the sauna again - hey, it'd be cheap at twice the price. Pick up some people for dumplings and we go out for food.

We head back to drink some supermarket booze then find ''the pub with no name'' (which is, hilariously, the name of the pub). As we don't meet any Estonians my whole night is concluded well before morning.



Estimated number of units today: 8
Estimated number of units total: 65

Estimated number of girls taken to bed today: 0
Estimated number of girls taken to bed total: 0

Day 12 - 8th March

Up at 10, which frankly is a herculean effort.

Leave hostel, doze on the bus to Tallinn. Find my new place, and again it's very good - free sauna upstairs which I take soon advantage of. It's a bit late to start a proper wander and I have two full days here, plus I'm knackered from lack of sleep, so I decide I'll take it easy, seeing as it's Sunday and all.

Have a brief stroll round the near part of town, then find somewhere for dinner - pancakes. Back to hostel, watch a film (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - very good film, for anyone who hasn't seen it), take advantage of the free fusball table and head to bed.



Estimated number of units today: 2
Estimated number of units total: 57

Estimated number of girls taken to bed today: 0
Estimated number of girls taken to bed total: 0

Day 11

Up. Not too bad.

Breakfast and to the KGB museum. More subjugation and execution. Walk through the park again and visit the ruined cathederal, which has the University Museum. After lunch I wander along the river for a bit. It's a great walk, but after a while the path - or, small strip of trampled snow - leads into some trees and it's a bit harder going. I press on and eventually find a few buildings.

I don't like going back on myself, so I decide that buildings imply roads and that I'll walk back to town that way. As I'm walking past one of the buildings a dog starts barking at me. Mindful of Valga I take a good look at him - he doesn't seem too aggressive and there's a fence between me and him. The fact I can see him makes all the difference in the world, I'm not really intimidated at all, as long as he can't get me.

I walk a bit further and the fence runs out which means that he can get me. He comes towards me - maybe he's just curious but there is no way in Hell I'm doing anything other than race for a gate about 15m away. The dog doesn't give chase, when I turn around once I'm safely on the other side he's quite far away. Turns out my fight-or-flight dial is set firmly to ''flight''. I feel a little bit silly, but there was no way for me to know he wasn't an insane rabid canine with a taste for Brits so I reckon I did OK.

Except that now I'm on the other side of the gate I'm clearly in private property. I don't know how his has happened, but I need to hop over a locked gate on the other side to get out. I wonder if this is a crime - breaking and leaving? There was no notice or sign to say where public land stopped and private land began - or maybe I missed it due to the dog excitment.

Walk back to the hostel and head out for dinner. I go to a student bar and have dumplings. I'm not intending a heavy night, but I get talking to some international students from the university and before I know it I'm staggering home at 5 o'clock in the morning. Getting up early tomorrow to get to Tallinn at a sensible time might be a challenge.


Estimated number of units today: 8
Estimated number of units total: 55

Estimated number of girls taken to bed today: 0
Estimated number of girls taken to bed total: 0

Day 10

Up, pack, downstairs.

There is no breakfast.

There is not even an attempt to apologise, explain, offer a refund or anything. There is just a gruff old woman. I just want to get out of this useless town and she won't understand me if I have a bitch at her, so I leave with bad grace. I hope that place burns down.

There's about 2 hours to wait for the bus so I go to the supermarket for breakfast and then find the Tourist Information, mostly out of boredom, partly to see if I can find an internet cafe. The lovely lady behind the counter is wonderful, she showers me with maps of Tartu for when I get there later, and suggests a few hostels I can try. She makes me a cup of coffee and offers me ginger biscuits. It turns out she knows the hotel I stayed in, and thinks it is the worst hotel in Estonia. This is pleasing, as it suggests I might have had the low point for accommodation.

She wants me to write down my complaints, as she can give them to the council and try and get the place closed down. I'm only to happy to oblige. The friendliness, helpfulness and hot drink have reaffirmed my faith and happiness and I head off to the bus station in good spirits. I get to Tartu and find a really good hostel, about the only thing wrong with it is that I'm the only guest, probably because it's so out of season. I don't mind.

I go wandering in the town. There's a huge ruined catheral and a lovely park, which has a 'bowl' - a kind of crater which, thanks to the snow, people are sledging down. I wander back through the town. I think rather than run off to Parnu tomorrow I'll stay an extra day - this can make up for Sigula. This place is small and is a university town.

I eat and find the Gunpowder house which is now a pub. I get talking to some Estonian blokes and watch a cover band. It's pretty good fun - they sing in Estonian which means I'll recognise the music for, say, Buttercup but have no idea of the lyrics. I leave when the band stops. Hostel, stay up for a while to try and mitigate tomorrow's hangover, bed.


Estimated number of units today: 13
Estimated number of units total: 47

Estimated number of girls taken to bed today: 0
Estimated number of girls taken to bed total: 0

Day 9

Up, stomach is fine. Go to market. It is amazing - the largest covered market in Europe, something like 1,600 meters squared. It's in four buildings so big they were used for building Zepplins in WWI. I finally am in a proper meat market.

We start the walking tour and head into ''little Moscow''. It is much less pristine that the Old Town. We see a monument - in WWII the ''Jewish Problem'' was solved in Riga by rounding up Jews into a synagogue and burning it. The monument is a testament to those who helped Jews escape.

We go to the flea market, which is like a car boot sale that had gone off the rails and spends all day shooting up. There were military uniforms, weapons, radios, rifle scopes, general scrap metal, musical instruments, everything. The buildings in the Russian quarter are built of wood which is a traditional city defence - when Napoleon was rampaging Riga still had city walls. When a watchman thought he saw Nap's army the outer city was abandoned and burnt, so the invaders had no shelter or food. It was a brilliant plan, although Napoleon's army was no where near at the time.

We have a brilliant hot chocolate and finish the tour. I say my goodbyes and get on the Sigula train. Sigula is lovely, but I can't find anywhere to sleep. The hostel I was going to go to is full and the hotels cost too much. I get back on the train and keep going to Valga - I'll come back to Sigula in summer sometime.

By the time I get to Valga there's no train or bus onwards to Tartu which is where I really want to be next, so I need to find somewhere to sleep. Luckily I picked up a map earlier and I find two or three places to try. The first is a hotel - it's affordable in an emergency, but I don't really want to pay 23 quid for the night, even if it does include breakfast. There is a hostel a fair walk away, but it's only about 9 or so. I start walking towards the hostel and I'm soon walking down dark Estonian country roads. It seems like every house has a dog in the garden.

This is terrifying. I don't like dogs very much at the best of times. I can deal with them, and I'm usually okay with them even if they are barking at me as long as they're behind a fence or on a leash. However, it's pitch dark and I can't see any of the dogs. It's not the barking which is most chilling, it's the threatening growls. I get hit by a few waves of adrenelin. One tiny dog runs along on his side of the fence towards me and I'm so jumpy I whip round and make some audible response - not so much a scream as an inimidated 'whuuh!'.

I am the most scared I have been for as long as I can remember.

I finally make it to the hostel and it is closed. I go back towards town, but I take the long way round which is a bigger road - I don't want to take the dog shortcut. I walk through the centre of Valga. I've been wandering around this town for about 2 or 3 hours now and haven't seen a single pub, bar, club, kebab shop or any kind of nightlife. Calling this place dead would be an insult to cadavers everywhere.

I go back to the emergency hotel. My room looks serviceable. The bathroom would make a Spartan think twice though, and there is no hot water. The room is absolutely freezing, I was genuinely warmer outside. I'm in bed wearing two T-shirts and a jumper and I'm still cold. I've had no real dinner, just snacks all day. I shiver my way to sleep. At least I get breakfast tomorrow.


Estimated number of units today: 0
Estimated number of units total: 34

Estimated number of girls taken to bed today: 0
Estimated number of girls taken to bed total: 0

Day 8

Up, groggy. Down. Doze.

Get up later, find breakfast and book my ticket to Sigula. Go to the Riga History and Navigation museum, which is really good. There's a mummified hand which belonged to a money forger whose punishment was to have it removed. Seems slightly excessive but I bet he didn't do it again.

The Nav. museum is great, full of huge model ships, steam and sail. Remember I'd planned to spend time sailing this year. Mental note to check that when I get home. Lunch in a cheap soup kitchen and then to the Latvian Museum of War. Latvia has been passed between different states so much it should be on elastic.

Consider going to the Genocide museum, but I've been to two museums today already and I'm still recovering from the Vilnius one, so I give it a pass. To the hostel pub where I meet an Essex entrepreneur called James running guided tours in Riga. We begin what becomes an epic conversation covering, amongst other things, conspiracy theories, literature and the definition of sarcasm. He convinces me not to go to Sigula in the morning, but to do the tour - it is an ''alternative'' view of Riga, offering a local's perspective, and is also free. I will go to Sigula in the afternoon - I don't know when the trains run but it's only 30km away so I anticipate no problems.

James invites me to dinner, and I meet his girlfriend and some of his flatmates. After the spaghetti bolognaise he is tired and my stomach has been hurting for hours. I don't know if it's booze or Baltic food, but either way I need to crash. Back to hostel.

Chill and play cards with Frederik and Richard, two Germans I met earlier. They are also going on the tour tomorrow, so we arrange to go out and look at the Riga market in the morning first. I impress them both with the two magic tricks I know. Bed.



Estimated number of units today: 0
Estimated number of units total: 34

Estimated number of girls taken to bed today: 0
Estimated number of girls taken to bed total: 0

Day 7

Up. Say bye to Tim and spend the last of my Lithuania money on snacks. Get on bus to Riga. The woman sitting opposite me is removed at the border, apparently because she was carrying too many cigarettes. In Riga the hostel is laughably easy to find and has a pub downstairs. Win. Dump my stuff and go wandering. I try to find a cheap cafe or something for lunch. I find an expensive one, but I'd feel embarrassed leaving and I'm hungry enough not to care, so I eat a very nice salmon sandwich.

I like Riga. You're wandering along the street where all the dignitaries live, vaguely planning how you'd break into the Danish embassy when suddenly a huge church appears. It is the Cathedral - they charge me 2 Lats to go in, which is about £2:50. This seems excessive but I'm a glutton for culture. The cathedral contains a pipe organ which, when it was built, was the largest in the world.

Insert your own ''large organ'' joke here.

I go to St Peter's Church which has a really good sculpture exhibition and a huge tower. You can only access the tower by lift and there is someone to operate this lift for you. Briefly feel like the Communists are still in charge. Riga looks like a lot of cities at height - ugly. It's misty and not picturesque. I've had my fill of view and cold after 5 minutes, but I have to wait another 5 for the lift to return. Apparently pushing the ''call lift'' button is too much responsibility for a tourist.

I follow the rest of the walking tour of Riga and feel I have seen a fair portion of the Old Town's cool buildings. Back to the hostel, throw on a shirt and hit the pub downstairs to make friends. It is full of girls - about ten of them. Four are playing cards at the table next to me. I start a conversation but it doesn't go anywhere so I leave for dinner.

On my way I see a sign for a live swing band in the bar I'm passing. I now have a plan for the evening. At the restaurant, the menu offers bulls' balls. I ask the waitress if it's just a joke for idiot tourists like me, but I believe her when she tells me they are a genuine dish.

Today, of my own accord and under no duress, I eat bulls' balls and mashed potato in a cream sauce. I can recommend it.

I go back to the swing bar, but they're still warming up and I'd be the only one there. I decide to get a quick drink in next door and end up talking to a diplomat - he is the Latvian environmental attache to the European parliament, out celebrating his friend's 49th birthday. Some of us make it to a new bar but I'm flagging fast - I walk one of us to the taxi rank which is about 30m away, and get to the hostel which is 20m away. Very convenient.

I'm pretty drunk, so I have a coke and watch the pub sing along with two live guitarists. I should stay but I'm really not in the mood. To bed. As I'm falling asleep I feel a pain in my side, which I self-diagnose as my liver complaining. Resolve to take it easier tomorrow.


Estimated number of units today: 8
Estimated number of units total: 34

Estimated number of girls taken to bed today: 0
Estimated number of girls taken to bed total: 0